Roller coaster

Whoo. What a week! I started trying to prepare my heart that the big girl would go home this week and then the whole foster parent roller coaster ride started. To be fair to roller coasters, at least with them I see the track and I know how it's supposed to end, not so much with foster care.

Tuesday rolled around, and the caseworker told me she needed to do some investigating of birth mom's history to see if she really was safe for big girl to go home (which I thought should have been going on since big girl was removed from her mom, but whatever), and that most likely big girl would be w/me another month. I was thrilled on two counts--one, of course, I get more time with her precious heart, and two--that would mean that she would really be going home to someone who's safe, not questionable--but that didn't last long....less than 15 minutes. Big girl then told the caseworker she wanted to move to another home because she didn't feel safe (long story, but potentially, she could really not be safe) in my neighborhood. As she left my house, the caseworker informed me that big girl would be moving within a week, b/c they couldn't let her stay here and feel unsafe. Also, because of her concerns w/safety, big girl would no longer be allowed to play outside.

Then on Wednesday big girl's caseworker decided to stop communicating with me, and here we sit, in limbo. Apparently she did her month's worth of work and investigation in 24 hours, so we've come full circle to where big girl is ready to go home--again. Big girl doesn't know it yet, and I don't know when, so I feel at loose ends.

What to do? We go on with life. Today is chore day. Time to do laundry and clean bathrooms. Some time to play. We got kolaches and doughnuts for breakfast, then went to a park WAY across town to play. Both girls are in their room playing school. I sat down to write this, then it's off to the races getting the house straightened up. I just love these girls so much I want them to have some normalcy, some stability, and lots of love, lots of security. I don't want to hold on to the frustration at the situation, I just want to hold on to them. Pray for all of us, please! I know we need that more than anything.

God is good.

I cried today. Really cried. At church. With friends. With the girls. A lot. Seems an odd way to point out that God is good, but he is.

I've been trying to process the logistics of the big girl going home in the next week or so. I've been focusing heavily on logistics because it was all I could handle. Any time I thought about her leaving, it just made me sad, in spite of how happy SHE is. I've put on my brave face, trying to just be okay. Truth is, I'm not okay, but when I think of it, none of us are.

I picked up a copy of a kids' catechism book today because the girls and I have been reviewing the first three questions, and I think they're ready for more. Questions 4-6 opened some interesting doors today. We talked about how striving to do what God wants us to do is only possible because he first loves us. We talked about how God cares for us in relationships with others. We talked about cancer and orphans and love and sin and Satan and forgiveness. I talked about how I hate apologizing but how important it is. We talked a lot, obviously.

So, in this time that will be very difficult, without doubt, it was a good day to remember that God is still good. As was preached in church today, even when we run after other loves, God loves us yet.

Amen and amen.

**Edit**We also got to have a tea party at Debby's house. The kids had gotten out a tea set during a game of house, and dinner was ready, so Debby & I served them on the porch. They used the tiny tea party plates and cups, and we served dinner in courses, pretending to be fancy. What fun!

Yes!

We have had a great weekend. I tried something I have done as an aunt, and said yes to a whole lot of things I might normally think we don't have time for. We watched a movie (twice!) We played at a fun new park. We went to a carnival. We had friends over & went to friends houses for extended amounts of time. And guess what? In all the fun, we still managed to grocery shop, clean bedrooms & bathrooms, and catch up on laundry. And yes, I said we. Both girls pitched in & worked fast to make more time for all that fun. Plus, there's a cake in the oven. Made from scratch. Who knew all this fun could be had?

I worry so much about providing safety & stability for my girls that I sometimes forget that it is okay for all of us just to relax, have fun, and enjoy being a family. It's hard to balance out the needs and the wants, but I know I needed to have fun with my girls, not just be the chore-giver, the cook, or the maid. I think this is the first time, in a while, that I have relaxed enough to really enjoy being a mom. Last night, both girls were up until 930 (gasp!) and you know what? We all survived. We even made it to church on time, with an extra kiddo in tow.

Right now, big girl is at a friend's house. Little girl is sleeping. I'm writing, and managing not to whine or complain about this path we're on. I feel so blessed to love them, and have them in my home and in my heart. I pray every day that they will always know the love of the Lord, and know what a kind, merciful, loving Savior he is. I think a lot of my saying "yes" more this weekend has to do with one of our Jesus Storybook Bible stories this week. (Yes, that is where I'm getting my scripture these days, please don't judge.) Anyway, we read the story about how Jesus' disciples were trying to keep the little ones from him, saying Jesus didn't have time for them, and Jesus rebuked them, stating he always had time for the little ones. It really got me thinking if I made time for MY little ones. I have beds and food and clothes and school and homework and books and and and...but do I have TIME for them? Do we play? Laugh? Just sit and talk? Hardly ever. Loving them sometimes means saying no, but it shouldn't always be no.

So, I've said yes, and both girls seem to be enjoying it. Can I always say yes? Of course not. But can we enjoy the blessing of being together now? Yes, please. Amen and amen.

***EDIT***Sunday night we had dinner with friends (thanks, Pearsons! We loved it!). Once again, we were in bed late. MonDAY went fine. However, Monday night included epic meltdowns. We survived. But barely. My survival included crying and ice cream and prayer. It's not all great when I say yes all the time :)

Adjusting

I've been a mom for nearly two months, and a mom to two for 6 weeks. I think MY adjustment time is about over. I'm now used to not sleeping through the night, to sharing my time and my space almost all the time, to making chicken nuggets about once a week for dinner, and all sorts of other adjustments. The girls are still adjusting...how to have a sister, how to share space, how to live with someone who's not your mom...you know, the usual stuff.

I am learning that I am not as "full of grace" as I see my mom or other moms being. I don't have infinite patience. Sometimes, my girls annoy me, and it hurts me to admit that. I often think I spend too much time with one girl, then feel guilty and overcompensate.

Today the big one is home sick, and because I rarely remember being sick as a kid, I am not so good at nurturing. I am good at nurturing spirits and friendships and plants, but sick kids, not so much. She is whiny, needy, and a little defiant. She doesn't listen to reason when I tell her what she needs is sleep and fluids. She thinks she needs unlimited attention and movies; thinks moaning and yelling her complaints will help her feel better, apparently. As I said, I lack grace in this situation.

I lack grace, period. That's my struggle. I know how my much girls need, and how much they need from me, and I am distinctly aware of how much I NEED Jesus. I need Jesus in my everyday life, I need Jesus in my interactions with my girls, I need Jesus in my impatience and overwhelmed-ness.

Pray for all of us! Be near, Lord Jesus!

Being a mom is hard.

There. I said it. I always knew being a mom was challenging, but I never expected it to be like this. What do you do when your kids act like they hate you? Well, hate is a strong word, I guess it's more indifference than hate. And that's just one. The other one loves me most of the time, except when she's scared of me. What's up with that? And the eye rolling. When do they learn that? Is there a class at school or something?

And, mom friends, how do you ever carry on a conversation? I have not mastered that yet. Seems like every time I want to talk to someone I am distracted beyond belief by something one of them is doing. Is this a something that I am completely oblivious to? Do all moms struggle to put sentences together?

Plus, I'm constantly tired. I could fall over into a nap at any given moment. Most moms I know also suffer from this "need a nap syndrome," so at least THAT feels normal.

I keep reminding myself that there is enough grace for all of this. There is grace for me, and for my girls. There is great love from my friends and family. I can take a deep breath, remember I am new at this, and keep moving forward. I can put my kids to bed thirty minutes early and have ice cream, because, well, I'm the mom.

Three Weeks, Almost

So, there was a court date today and I should learn soon if/when the baby is going home to her mom. I had one person tell me that it is possible she could go home any day. It makes my heart hurt, thinking about it, but I've been praying that God would just reach down into the mom's life, and the baby's life, and give them security, safety, and peace. I so hope that there isn't a day they don't know the Lord. We pray for mom every night, and I have to really check my heart to know that I am really praying for her, and not just for me.

I know I have so many people praying for us, loving on us, both near and far. i know that love and those prayers are what is sustaining me on this roller coaster ride.

Lately, as I've picked her up from school, I tell her I love her "to the moon and back" and now, when I tell her I love her, she says "love you and back." Talk about melting my heart. I so wish you could see pictures to know how beautiful she is, but let me tell you, you just wouldn't believe her preciousness!

And, this new mama is out...going to sleep for a few hours before the (nearly) inevitable middle of the night wake up call.

Happy New Year!

One week

It's amazing how much things can change in one week. I can be really productive from 830 to midnight. I can also be surprisingly useful from 6 to 7 in the morning. Suddenly, it makes sense why I cannot remember ever seeing my mom asleep.

I am in love. Big time love. Heart-wrenching, gut-dropping love. I tell everyone her hugs are so sweet they're like candy. I cannot get enough of them. At work today, when I closed my eyes I saw her face. I missed her like crazy. She goes to see her mom for the first time tomorrow and I'm trying not to be anxious. I pray for mom, and for the babe entrusted to me, for however long.

And that's about it from this new mama. Being almost 38 with a young kiddo is a good reminder of why our child-bearing years are early in life. But I wouldn't trade a minute...except maybe for the screaming tantrums. But that's it. Promise.