Being a mom is hard.

There. I said it. I always knew being a mom was challenging, but I never expected it to be like this. What do you do when your kids act like they hate you? Well, hate is a strong word, I guess it's more indifference than hate. And that's just one. The other one loves me most of the time, except when she's scared of me. What's up with that? And the eye rolling. When do they learn that? Is there a class at school or something?

And, mom friends, how do you ever carry on a conversation? I have not mastered that yet. Seems like every time I want to talk to someone I am distracted beyond belief by something one of them is doing. Is this a something that I am completely oblivious to? Do all moms struggle to put sentences together?

Plus, I'm constantly tired. I could fall over into a nap at any given moment. Most moms I know also suffer from this "need a nap syndrome," so at least THAT feels normal.

I keep reminding myself that there is enough grace for all of this. There is grace for me, and for my girls. There is great love from my friends and family. I can take a deep breath, remember I am new at this, and keep moving forward. I can put my kids to bed thirty minutes early and have ice cream, because, well, I'm the mom.

Three Weeks, Almost

So, there was a court date today and I should learn soon if/when the baby is going home to her mom. I had one person tell me that it is possible she could go home any day. It makes my heart hurt, thinking about it, but I've been praying that God would just reach down into the mom's life, and the baby's life, and give them security, safety, and peace. I so hope that there isn't a day they don't know the Lord. We pray for mom every night, and I have to really check my heart to know that I am really praying for her, and not just for me.

I know I have so many people praying for us, loving on us, both near and far. i know that love and those prayers are what is sustaining me on this roller coaster ride.

Lately, as I've picked her up from school, I tell her I love her "to the moon and back" and now, when I tell her I love her, she says "love you and back." Talk about melting my heart. I so wish you could see pictures to know how beautiful she is, but let me tell you, you just wouldn't believe her preciousness!

And, this new mama is out...going to sleep for a few hours before the (nearly) inevitable middle of the night wake up call.

Happy New Year!

One week

It's amazing how much things can change in one week. I can be really productive from 830 to midnight. I can also be surprisingly useful from 6 to 7 in the morning. Suddenly, it makes sense why I cannot remember ever seeing my mom asleep.

I am in love. Big time love. Heart-wrenching, gut-dropping love. I tell everyone her hugs are so sweet they're like candy. I cannot get enough of them. At work today, when I closed my eyes I saw her face. I missed her like crazy. She goes to see her mom for the first time tomorrow and I'm trying not to be anxious. I pray for mom, and for the babe entrusted to me, for however long.

And that's about it from this new mama. Being almost 38 with a young kiddo is a good reminder of why our child-bearing years are early in life. But I wouldn't trade a minute...except maybe for the screaming tantrums. But that's it. Promise.

Ready

I am ready for a new chapter in my life to start. I am ready to live for someone else and not just for myself. I am ready for God to use me to make a life brighter. I am ready.

Or so I think. I am thinking about tomorrow, meeting with the woman who's doing my home study. Will she think I'm ready? Is my house ready? Is the kid's room ready? Am I emotionally/physically/fiscally prepared for the change that could be coming my way?

Am I ready to wait, and wait some more? Am I ready to know how badly we humans really treat one another? Am I ready to love the way a hurt child needs to be loved? Am I ready to let that child go, and in the process, have my heart shattered? Am I?

Those are my questions and my prayers as I head to bed tonight. I know what I am able to do and who I am able to be is perfectly orchestrated by God, but it's SO hard to turn off all the questions and the doubts, and to quiet the stubborn, insufficient places within me.

This is my prayer tonight: God, you are so good. you give us all that we need to take each breath. You are a good, loving, generous Father, who gives to us in abundance. Lord, do not let me rest on that abundance. Do not let me stagnate in my own insecurities. Father. let me trust you now, and every day, that you lead me down paths that are good for me and glorifying to you. Thank you, Lord, for your hand guiding me to this point. Thank you for sweet, loving friends who have supported me on this journey. Thank you, without measure, for the perfect life and gruesome death of your Son, which allow me to stand before you and continue to ask for more than I deserve. Lord, give me grace on this journey. Let me show some sliver of your light to Chris, who will be conducting my home study. Let me love the children you place in my care. Help me to gently and genuinely pray for their families, that even while their kids are with me, you would knit them back together and make them whole, through your Son. Lord, let me love the way you love. Let me pour into these little lives the same kind of sacrificial love you have poured into me. Lord, show me again and again that the right path is almost never the easiest path. Move in me, Lord, so that I may love these kids until it hurts me, so that their hearts and bodies and lives can heal. And I pray, Lord, that these kids and their families would run to You and cling to You as the one who provides more than we can ever ask. Lord, may it be true, now more than ever, that I cannot make things worse. Amen.

I think I'm ready.

Today, waiting, and more joy.

I sit here, looking out over my Saturday, contemplating the "need to do" and "want to do" lists, wondering if there is any way to merge them and still enjoy the day. I am so selfish with my time, I want to hold onto it, ride the last minute of it until it's gone. Even then, sometimes, I manage to feel sad about its departure, like there should just be more time. I am prayerful this morning. I want to make this day something memorable, not just another in a string of things to do and places to be. I pray for discipline to do the things I think I should do in order to truly enjoy the things I want to do. Ah, the conundrum. Because, really, I could stay in my pajamas all day, drinking coffee, watching movies, and fritter the whole day away. If I do that, though, I'll be mad tomorrow, and frustrated when I start the day on Monday. This past week was such a joy, I don't know if I want to risk ruining Monday from here, the start of Saturday.

I feel like I am constantly waiting these days. Apparently having something "out there" that I really want creates anticipation I could not have imagined. Even as I wait, I ponder how much harder it is going to be than I think. Once, I told my pastor that the reason I wanted to be married and have kids was so that I could see grace up close and personal. I wanted to know the heaviness of loving someone so much that I would do anything for them, move mountains if I had to, and think, in the same thought, of how much they need and how hard it is. I know that's not grace in the classic sense, but I hope you can see what I mean. What's the saying? God loves you the way you are, but too much to let you stay that way. That's the gist, the future I see. Loving whole-heartedly, knowing that it is going to be a tough road.

Last week was full of good days. I had the one year anniversary of my doc telling me I was cancer free. I was told my home study could be scheduled (I still haven't heard anything. I was told they had 7-10 days to schedule it, so--no surprise--I'm waiting). I feel like my interactions were fruitful and true, definitely God-ordained. I got to visit a friend with a new cancer diagnosis, to hear his heart and how God is working in him during this scary time. I spent one day with my awesome niece, just the two of us. Then, Friday night, 3 big kids came over to my house and we played volleyball, ordered pizza, and watched movies. Nothing huge, but fun all the same. Oh, and we laughed. We laughed when John said the same funny thing over & over. We laughed when we chased Kristina across the field, we laughed when Lori tried to roll the ball up her leg but ended up kicking it. I hadn't laughed so much in a very long time. I mean, full on, bent over, laughing so hard I couldn't breathe laughing. Amazing. God given. Love. And when pizza time came, I asked the kids to talk about one way they'd seen God move during that day, and the typical things came up, weather, surprise breaks, people being nice when the didn't have to, and (not from me) the laughter. It was a good day!

I guess that's what I want more of. Days that stand out, and then blend in, because of the joy that is contained therein. (Did I just steal that from someone? Maybe. I'll just say that I liked it and it sounded good.)

Here's to more joy.

Fragments & such

I have started writing lots of things lately, but haven't had time to finish any of them. More accurately, I haven't had the presence of mind to finish things. I will start, get a few sentences in, then my mind will scatter. Don't worry if I can't finish this post, at least you'll get some of the craziness wandering my head.

Work is fine. Not uber-challenging, but a good balance for all the other stuff going on. Do you know I have to have a full FBI background check, a fire inspection, a TB test, psychotropic med. training and about a hundred other minute details BEFORE CPS will schedule someone to come do a home study? I know that now. For some reason I thought that I could accomplish the bazillion things I needed to do in a short time. Ummm...not so much. It took me a month to get all the minutia accomplished. Today, my caseworker FINALLY told me that she had everything she needed to contact the company in charge of home studies to let them know they could start the process. Alleluia!

It seems I have been obsessed with this whole foster care/adoption thing, but there have been other things going on. Kari & Ryan tied the knot a couple of weeks back. Their wedding was beautiful and amazing and sweet. Plus, I got to meet a lot of their friends & family. There was a lot to do & Kari had a plan to get it all done. All we had to was execute :) We did, and at the end of all the fun, I was tired. Fortunately I'd had the foresight to take an extra day off work after the wedding and spent the day cleaning house & working on my yard. That may have been the best day of work I'd had in a long time.

Just before the wedding, I went to Houston to have my quarterly check-up with my oncologist. It was not a good start to the week because due to some changes at my job, my insurance had changed and I didn't have coverage. I was so frustrated! I think it's the first time I'd ever been so angry that I cried. That frustration was like a new friend. We did everything together for a couple of days, until I realized the new friend was making me different in every other area of my life. Instead of focusing on the anger & frustration, I realized that the issue was going to be resolved somehow and I let go of the anger & frustration. I did let it taint a few days, but after that, I've tried to find a way to be positive. One thing I'm positive about--being without insurance is a bad idea.

Now all of the insurance stuff is worked out, I am going back to the doctor in the morning. As of today, I am ONE YEAR CANCER FREE! I can't wait to see my doctor tomorrow and have her tell me my visits can spread out a bit, maybe to only twice a year. I may be a bit over-optimistic, but I'm okay like that.

I have all sorts of friends struggling with stuff, and am never at a lack for things to pray about. One of the constant things in my heart is that I want to love any kids placed in my care, and their families. Pray that God would move mightily to change hearts & actions so that families can be reunited safely. Sometimes my heart overflows with hope, and sometimes despair. In spite of my lack, I lay everything in the hands of my Father, who can, and does, care about this roller coaster ride we call life.

Training

Did I mention in my last post that I am taking training classes through Child Protective Services in order to get licensed to foster and adopt? I haven't been in classes in a L-O-N-G time, and evening classes, in particular, are tough for me. This isn't new. I dreaded night classes when I was in college, way back in the day, but adding evening classes to a full work day is a new level of tired. I guess it's good real life training for me....nothing like total exhaustion when there's a new kiddo in the house, or so I've heard. You parents will have to verify that for me :)

Most of the classes have been unsurprising. People struggle. The world is devastated by sin, and that sin takes effect in a multitude of ways, and many, many suffer without hope. I am not new to hearing/seeing/living how sin affects our lives--in very real and painful ways. Throughout the training classes, I have been able to cope fairly well, not shocked by the sins adults perpetrate on kids, and I have been able to pray for both the adults and the kids involved in foster care. God has given me grace to see that He alone is sufficient to heal all wounds.

Tonight was different. Tonight we talked about sexual abuse. Somehow, this has undone me and my calm facade. I am deeply angry at adults who think it is in any way acceptable to ruin a child's life in this way. I am heartbroken for the kids (some in adult bodies) whose lives need so much healing, and whose lives scream for the Lord and His presence.

That's it. I'm broken. And to think I thought the tough part of being a parent to these hurt kids would be the financial part. Please, Lord help us all. Amen.