I am feeling sort of numb, as if this week hasn't really happened. I am tired. Little girl is tired.
Big girl went home. Suddenly. On Tuesday. Everyone involved with the case seemed shocked that the judge decided she could go home. But he did, so off she went. I cried, and slept, and cried some more. And since about midday on Wednesday I have just felt numb, almost as if it's just too much effort to cry anymore.
Fortunately, God is still good. That doesn't necessarily make this time any easier, but truth is truth. From Psalm 38:9-11: "Lord, all my desire is before You; And my sighing is not hidden from You. My heart throbs, my strength fails me; And the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me. My loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague; And my kinsmen stand afar off." Most of my family and friends have experienced loss and grief. They have mourned. I know I'm not alone in the sadness. I just keep praying for the big girl & her mom...knowing the awful situation she came from and the abrupt "promise of change" from her mom do not make me confident that she will be safe, cared for, and loved like she deserves to be loved. I just keep asking God to pursue them, to be irresistible to them.
But then I doubt. I am such a broken vessel & a horrible teacher. Did I show her truly who God is? Did I fully show her the life-changing power of God's grace? I know I didn't. Thankfully, I am not alone. Lots of people stood in the gap of this precious girl's life to shine a small ray of His goodness and glory to her. I pray He continues His work in her life. All for our good and His glory.
Meanwhile, I'm contemplating the trip we planned to Colorado. Instead of a party of 3, it will just be the little one and me. Time with family, praise God. Time to witness and celebrate a wedding, time to introduce the precious child God has blessed me with (for however long) to the people who have shaped me most.
My caseworker visited last night and her hardest question was, "What are you doing to take care of you?" Honestly, I answered with "Nothing." I am possibly in the worst physical shape of my life. The only time I regularly see friends is at church. I just feel like I spend my life either at work or at home. As a mom, that shouldn't surprise me. How do I balance mom life with healthy life?
I am hunting for a new job. Praying about where I think God is calling me. Possibly starting a non-profit to offer support and encouragement to foster/adoptive families. Possibly starting a small foster group home with some other friends. Just praying, waiting, listening for God's voice in all of the insane plans I have--or that I want to have.
Little girl's plan is changing. Instead of currently planning for reunification, CPS's current plan is for non-relative adoption--meaning me. Though the idea of that is amazing, I am trying not to put all of my hope there because the roller coaster can be an ugly place some days. Who knows what can change at any moment? Also, little girl's mom is pregnant. Crazy thing is, if her parental rights are terminated on the little one I've got, then her parental rights will be terminated with any future children born to her. So, that means new baby could end up with me, too. It's a SUPER long shot, but how world-rocking would that be? To be 38 (almost 39) with a newborn and a 3 year old? I must officially be insane.
Writing is very cathartic for me, so I appreciate you reading through my ramblings. Most nights when I sit down w/my laptop, the warmth it sends into my body just puts me straight to sleep, so I'm glad I started this post earlier than normal.
I covet your prayers for my big girl & my little girl. I ask for prayers on how to prioritize & balance my life. Please pray for my job hunt. Please pray for peace & contentment in our roller-coastery situation.
Even though the world didn't end on May 21st, sometimes I crave that day. The day we no longer have to say, "Come, Lord Jesus, come make this world right again. Put an end to sin and suffering and death. Make all the broken things whole. Including me."