Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I have an issue with my thoughts not being very clear when I have many of them.  It's kind of like fast forwarding through a song, and though parts of it are recognizable, mostly it's just a jumble of stuff you can't quite place.  That's how my mind has felt lately.  I think it's starting to clear, though.

I go back to Houston in one week for imaging and the all clear from my doctor.  I am really hopeful about these appointments, but there is also a lingering trepidation there.  Is it possible to be hopeful and skeptical at the same time?  

My sweet friend, DeeDee, came down for a visit from St. Louis last week.  I got to see her last for about a day in April, so having here here for 5 days was really nice.  We explored some of central Texas, including a winery that had been on my list for a while.  Becker Vineyards near Fredericksburg is definitely worth a visit, just in case you're considering it :)  DeeDee is one of those rare people I feel completely comfortable with, even if we're not talking at all.  We drove quite a bit during her visit, and there were stretches of absolute quiet then, and it never got uncomfortable.  There was also lots of talking...mostly from me.  God love her, DeeDee is able to put up with my insanity as much as she is able to deal with silence.  I am so thankful for her love and friendship.  

After dropping DeeDee off at the airport last week, I had time to come home and work out.  After working out, I stuck around my gym for a Zumba class...basically an aerobics class with more Latin rhythms.  It was a blast!  I think I should NOT work out before the next one, maybe I'd be able to keep up a little better.  

I am trying to get more disciplined before going back to work.  I am working on a budget, so I can pay off medical bills without breaking the bank.  I am also trying to get my food & exercise on a more realistic and reasonable schedule.  My goal is to go to Curves 5 times a week, and to walk at least 2 miles per day 6 times a week.  I think if I do that, I will want to have more healthy choices in my diet.  Any suggestions for healthy foods that will fit a tight budget and taste good?  I'm looking for any and all ideas.  Last time I was really health-conscious, I hardly cooked anything at all.  I ate a lot of salads, fruits, and yogurt, with the occasional egg white mixed in there for protein.  I'd like to learn how to cook for a healthy diet...I miss cooking (and I think if you asked Debby's kids, they'd tell you I've lost my touch, at least some days).  

The last random thing I have swirling around in my brain is an event I went to last Saturday.  It was the Waco Relay for Life.  I have been a part of several other relay events in the past, mostly through Starbucks.  The last one I went to was two years ago.  I cannot remember thinking, at any of the events I've been to in the past, "gosh, I hope I can be a survivor at a relay some day."  I cannot say I ever wanted to be associated with cancer in any way, much less look in the mirror and think, "I'm a cancer survivor."  That may explain why, when I got the invitation to this year's Relay for Life events, I did not respond.  I wasn't even sure I was going to go to the walk.  I KNEW with certainty I wasn't going to walk all night.  Saturday arrived, and it was a gorgeous day.  I asked John and Lori if they wanted to come to Waco with me that night, so we headed off together.  We arrived just prior to the walk's start, which is one lap around the track with just cancer survivors, and the 2nd lap is with survivors and their families.  Thank goodness for my friend Mandi...she volunteers with the American Cancer Society, and was looking for me to arrive.  When we got to the track, she stayed with Lori and John while I took the first lap with other survivors.  I've gotta say, I still don't want to think of myself as someone with cancer, but since I can't do anything about it now, I'd much rather be a cancer survivor than the alternative.  We only walked for about an hour and a half, but I am clearer now than before that I want to be a part of things like this...things that celebrate that people triumph over cancer rather than the other way around.  

That's my brain dump for today.  October 26th is when I go to Houston for imaging, then I get results from my doctor on the 27th.  Please pray for me between now and then.  I think the last thing I need is anxiety about those days and the results they'll bring.  I go back to something Dr. Wolf said before I even started was something to the effect of the best way to have success in chemo (?) and to prevent recurrence is to rid myself of stress.  The best way I know to rid myself of stress is to I'm doing it and asking you to as well.  I'll let you know when I have results!

Monday, October 5, 2009


I tend to get a little off my rhythm after chemo. It is nearing 1a.m. and I cannot even fathom the idea of sleep. I look forward to the days I am motivated throughout the day, and ready to go to bed at a decent hour. Today I went to the grocery store, and you would have thought I was on a 10-mile hike. I had to convince myself I could leave the house and survive the "trek." I did, but it was the longest hour of my life. I did go to Debby's this afternoon, but didn't even manage to do anything useful while I was there. I think it was another accomplishment just to leave the house. Here's praying I get back into my normal rhythm soon.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Round Six is over!

Yahoo! My last round of chemo is over!!! After talking to my doctor yesterday, she agreed that though the issues I am having are related to cancer they are more likely side effects rather than signs of new badness going on. I had heard that side effects are typically cumulative, I have just been feeling so good that I had forgotten that. Dr. Wolf also said something that I was neglecting to take into account. She said that even though I mentally felt strong (can you imagine me ever saying that about myself??) that my body is still fighting a disease. So, I should keep working out, keep eating healthy, but not to expect the results I was getting before until this is all over. That made me feel much better.

In a few weeks, I come back to Houston for more imaging. Basically, any tools they can use to look at my body to determine that the cancer is gone, they'll use. After that, I come back every 3 months for a couple of years, then it goes to every six months after that. I am feeling hopeful that the new I will hear is good. I guess I can continue saying, "Look out world, I am feeling good!"