"...the Spirit entered him..."

For most of you, this kind of thing is old hat. "Yeah," you say, "I've read the Bible all the way through."

For me, it's a breathtaking adventure, learning how much My Father loves me. It's interesting how it happens, I'm just reading along and all of the sudden POW! a revelation that I am loved!

And not the cheesy red buttons you get at the jewelry store "I am loved" but the remarkable I will give you everything you need to live and love and celebrate the life and creation I've given you kind of love.

Now, how does this connect to Ezekiel? Well, I'll tell it this way. I have been trying to change the 'why' behind my writing. I didn't want to write solely from a sad, dark, lonely place anymore, so I tried something new this week. As I was reading Ezekiel I wrote down what struck me from the material, whether it was something that was said directly or just an impression that I got. Granted, I only remembered to take any notes two days, but both of them were pretty awe-inspiring.

I took notes (and very limited ones at that) on chapters 1-6, but here's what I got. In the first few chapters, I realized how unimaginative I am, how I like the idea of words but I would never use the phrases "like sparkling beryl" or "the expanse...like lapis lazuli" to describe anything in creation. I would say, 'oh, that's shiny' or 'what a nice shade of blue.'

Then I noted that I am indeed, like Judah, "a rebellious house" who does not want to depart from my sin. Then I saw that Ezekiel was unable to act on his own, so "the Spirit entered him." I realized what a gift it is to have a God who loves us so much that He will do for us what we are unwilling or unable to do. (Sound familiar anyone?)

Finally, I was thunderstruck by the fact that God promises that Judah "will know He is Lord" after each and every calamity He lays before them, and I realized (in a duh!) moment that I still don't quite get what that means. I mean, okay, he created everything, gave the Israelites multiple opportunities to love and serve him, then when they couldn't He gave his Son to be sacrificed because that just suited Him???? I don't think any human being, especially a parent, could actually make that decision, so it begs the question,

Do we ever fully understand that He is Lord? How can we?

Encouraged

I love looking back at the end of the day and thinking, "well, I really did something today." Whether that something was a good conversation, a completed project, or a great meal, I go to bed thinking I am all good.

Today, then, was excellent. A quiet morning with my sister, yummy breakfast and a morning movie. Then off to a productive (half) day at work, with lots of things checked off my list. This was followed by a great dinner with friends, none of which I made, so it was the ultimate in indulgent delicious-ness. A bit more work, to get a project done a couple of days early (yay!), then off to other friends for a long-overdue visit.

I am exhausted, but feel complete.

I started reading Ezekiel yesterday, noticing some interesting stuff there, but I'll save that for another post.

Fear

I've just finished reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. It is a book on how a wife copes in the first years after losing her husband of 40 years. This is something I cannot imagine, much less consider writing about with any clarity. I found these passages toward the end of the book to be especially poignant.

"I could not count the times during the average day when something would come up that I needed to tell him. This impulse did not end with his death. What ended was the possibility of response. I read something in the paper that I would normally have read to him. I notice some change in the neighborhood that would interest him...I recall coming in from Central Park one morning in mid-August with urgent news to report...I am dropping my keys on the table inside the door before I fully remember. There is no one to hear this news, nowhere to go with the unmade plan, the uncompleted thought."

"Marriage is memory, marriage is time. Marriage is not only time: it is also, parodoxically, the denial of time. For forty years I saw myself through John's eyes. I did not age. This year for the first time since I was twenty-nine I saw myself through the eyes of others. This year for the first time since I was twenty-nine I realized that my image of myself was of someone significantly younger."

And this, my friends, is why I am terrified of getting married. I'm not sure I could handle the loss.

Introduction

Well, I've done it. I'm posting on blogspot now rather than xanga. I'm conflicted. I feel like people will be better able to read what I'm writing/thinking, but then again, people will be able to read what I'm thinking! It's scary.

A bit about me, in case you linked to me through someone you know and you have no idea who I am. I manage a coffee shop and love it. I am a Christian, a member of Redeemer Presbyterian Church (PCA) in Waco, TX (which, for the record, I also love). I am the 10th of 13 children (hence the name of the blog), and yes, I grew up Catholic, and no, there are no multiple births, and yes, indeed, my mother is a saint. (For the record, I think she may also by slightly insane, but who wouldn't be after 13 kids, eh?) Apparently, I also love parentheses, but I don't think that relationship is going anywhere.

I tend to write when I am moved by something I read, or when something is troubling me. I will often ask for prayer about something I am struggling with, so I appreciate any and all comments about people praying with/for me...it is very comforting to have such love from people I don't even know!

Thanks for reading, let me know what things you're thinking & praying about. I'll be back!