Feelings

Today is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the dead. It is a day I should feel so humbled, so grateful, and so sure of the power of God. Instead, I am struggling with disappointment. I am also asking "Why?" way too much. As I have praise and worship songs, church hymns, and prayers going through my head, I wonder why it is I can say the words, and think the words, but feel so few of the words alive in my heart.

It is not a good feeling.

I want to be joyful that HE IS RISEN! Instead, I just wonder where He is. Where is He in this hurt that I feel, this disappointment that I face? Where is He when I feel so alone? Where is He when I can hardly stomach the idea of facing another day? Where is He when I feel all of these feelings deep in the pit of my stomach? Where is He when I ache?

Where is He when I feel so selfish, so self-centered? Where is He? Where is He?

I am sure these are the same types of questions early Christians felt when the tomb was empty. I think, though, they had more hope that I do. I feel despair, despondent, and utterly alone. Even as I write those words, they sound so foolish.

How can I compare my hurt to someone who is really struggling? There are those with real sorrows out there, some of whom I know and love deeply. I struggle to get out of my hole of self-centeredness long enough to love them, to hug them, to pray for them, and then...I crawl right back in. I hate being here. I hate feeling like there is no end to my selfish misery. I think I am starting to make myself physically ill because I am so tired of myself.

Again, it is not a good feeling.

I need to remember that how I FEEL about God does not change who God is or how powerful He is. I need to be reminded every single moment of every single day that HE is the ONE who has the power to save me from myself. Even in this darkness, this despair, this loneliness, HE is still sovereign. I know I need Him more than I need anything, or anyone, else. I know I need to get over myself and see God's hand in everything in my life. I know He reigns. I know that what He has for me is for my good and His glory. In this knowing, though, I still feel unsure. Can I trust God to care for all of those things that are so important that they hurt? Can I trust God to cover me when I am so consumed? Can I trust God to still love me when I doubt Him over and over again?

Lord, I pray that you cover me today. Cover me with Your grace, your glory, your mercy. Lord, grant that I would take my eyes off of myself for one brief moment and turn my gaze to you. Let me see, lord, that you truly are sovereign. Show me again and again, Lord, that you do not make mistakes. Let me listen to You, Lord. Let me rest in You, in Your completed work we celebrate today. Lord, God, I pray that I will be a witness for you; one who reflects your light and love for all the sons of Adam. Sovereign Lord, please reign in my heart and my mind, now and always. Amen.