What has been, and what's to come

It has been entirely too long since I've written anything on here, and for that, I apologize.  I was supposed to be writing a 50,000 word novel during the month of November, but I got stuck around 3400 words.  I intend to get unstuck, but since I have just entered the final hour of November, I am pretty sure it's not happening this month.  There's always December, right???

Since my last post, I learned I am cancer-free!  I got the all-clear on October 27th, and it was an amazing day.  I know those words seem feeble, but I'm really trying to settle into this new ordinary of not being sick.  Who knew it would be a struggle?  I also had that bothersome port removed since I last posted.  Turns out the bugger had just come right apart inside of my abdominal cavity.  My doc performed a simple surgery on November 16th, and out it came.  Yeehaw!  I spent a week recovering from that surgery, then spent a week on the road visiting family for this exceptional Thanksgiving.  Like in many years past, I spent Thanksgiving wondering how I manage to take so much for granted in my life.  There will be no more of that, thank you very much.  The Lord has blessed me in amazing ways, and even through the past 7 months of struggle, I still know it is Him who carries me--always.  

I started back to work today.  I'm doing partial days this week to ease back into things.  I think it will be good to have some normalcy again.  Instead of working in Killeen, where I was back in May, I am being moved to help w/two centers, one in Waco, and one in Temple.  It's very appropriate, considering the rest of my life is split between those two places.  :)

My next post will be an unusual one.  It is the text I intended to use for a testimony I gave at church at the end of October.  (I say intended because, as is usual when I give a testimony, I think I know what I want to say but don't ever get it quite the way I write it.  This time was no exception.  I veered into a lot of places I didn't expect to go, and I cried the. whole. time. I. spoke.  Seriously.)  The women had a brunch, and our theme was "Light in the Darkness:  Testimonies of God's Faithfulness."  When I had Debby read what I'd written, she commented that "it sure seems like an awful lot of dark and not a lot of light."  My response was something like, "It was dark."  Something to indicate that I hadn't seen a lot of light for a while.  Well, as I was writing, I forgot to mention some things that were light to me through the cancer ordeal, so I'll mention them here, just so no one thinks I completely missed those brief moments of light in all of this.  

1-Anytime I got to go to MY church on a Sunday, there was light, delivered in the preaching, the praying, and the love I received.  2-God working by finding me that apartment in Houston...it clearly was done by His hand, and His perfect timing.  3-I sang a lot of hymns during these months.  I struggled to read Scripture, I could hardly pray, but I could sing.  My favorite was "Before the Throne of God Above."  I still have the lyrics on my dresser and I sing bits and pieces of it most mornings.  4-Though I couldn't see it at the time, all of this helped me to identify idols.  You know that first commandment that says, "you shall have no other gods before Me"???  Well, I found that I loved some things, at some times, more than I loved God.  How is that light, you ask?  In revealing what I treasured more than God, I was reminded that He still pours out His grace and mercy on me, more and more every day.  As that truth sunk in, I learned (or am learning??) to put God where He belongs in my heart and in my life.  5--Finally, I learned the power of prayer.  Not my own prayer, certainly.  There were days my darkness was so deep and distressing that I didn't know how I'd make it through the day.  Each time I'd hit that place, there was something outside of me that moved to make things manageable.  There were literally hundreds, and possibly thousands, of people praying for me, and those prayers moved to keep me....was it calm?  sane?  or just moving through the days?  Those prayers kept me from being hopeless, and for that I am grateful.  

I have an issue with my thoughts not being very clear when I have many of them.  It's kind of like fast forwarding through a song, and though parts of it are recognizable, mostly it's just a jumble of stuff you can't quite place.  That's how my mind has felt lately.  I think it's starting to clear, though.

I go back to Houston in one week for imaging and the all clear from my doctor.  I am really hopeful about these appointments, but there is also a lingering trepidation there.  Is it possible to be hopeful and skeptical at the same time?  

My sweet friend, DeeDee, came down for a visit from St. Louis last week.  I got to see her last for about a day in April, so having here here for 5 days was really nice.  We explored some of central Texas, including a winery that had been on my list for a while.  Becker Vineyards near Fredericksburg is definitely worth a visit, just in case you're considering it :)  DeeDee is one of those rare people I feel completely comfortable with, even if we're not talking at all.  We drove quite a bit during her visit, and there were stretches of absolute quiet then, and it never got uncomfortable.  There was also lots of talking...mostly from me.  God love her, DeeDee is able to put up with my insanity as much as she is able to deal with silence.  I am so thankful for her love and friendship.  

After dropping DeeDee off at the airport last week, I had time to come home and work out.  After working out, I stuck around my gym for a Zumba class...basically an aerobics class with more Latin rhythms.  It was a blast!  I think I should NOT work out before the next one, maybe I'd be able to keep up a little better.  

I am trying to get more disciplined before going back to work.  I am working on a budget, so I can pay off medical bills without breaking the bank.  I am also trying to get my food & exercise on a more realistic and reasonable schedule.  My goal is to go to Curves 5 times a week, and to walk at least 2 miles per day 6 times a week.  I think if I do that, I will want to have more healthy choices in my diet.  Any suggestions for healthy foods that will fit a tight budget and taste good?  I'm looking for any and all ideas.  Last time I was really health-conscious, I hardly cooked anything at all.  I ate a lot of salads, fruits, and yogurt, with the occasional egg white mixed in there for protein.  I'd like to learn how to cook for a healthy diet...I miss cooking (and I think if you asked Debby's kids, they'd tell you I've lost my touch, at least some days).  

The last random thing I have swirling around in my brain is an event I went to last Saturday.  It was the Waco Relay for Life.  I have been a part of several other relay events in the past, mostly through Starbucks.  The last one I went to was two years ago.  I cannot remember thinking, at any of the events I've been to in the past, "gosh, I hope I can be a survivor at a relay some day."  I cannot say I ever wanted to be associated with cancer in any way, much less look in the mirror and think, "I'm a cancer survivor."  That may explain why, when I got the invitation to this year's Relay for Life events, I did not respond.  I wasn't even sure I was going to go to the walk.  I KNEW with certainty I wasn't going to walk all night.  Saturday arrived, and it was a gorgeous day.  I asked John and Lori if they wanted to come to Waco with me that night, so we headed off together.  We arrived just prior to the walk's start, which is one lap around the track with just cancer survivors, and the 2nd lap is with survivors and their families.  Thank goodness for my friend Mandi...she volunteers with the American Cancer Society, and was looking for me to arrive.  When we got to the track, she stayed with Lori and John while I took the first lap with other survivors.  I've gotta say, I still don't want to think of myself as someone with cancer, but since I can't do anything about it now, I'd much rather be a cancer survivor than the alternative.  We only walked for about an hour and a half, but I am clearer now than before that I want to be a part of things like this...things that celebrate that people triumph over cancer rather than the other way around.  

That's my brain dump for today.  October 26th is when I go to Houston for imaging, then I get results from my doctor on the 27th.  Please pray for me between now and then.  I think the last thing I need is anxiety about those days and the results they'll bring.  I go back to something Dr. Wolf said before I even started treatment....it was something to the effect of the best way to have success in chemo (?) and to prevent recurrence is to rid myself of stress.  The best way I know to rid myself of stress is to pray...so I'm doing it and asking you to as well.  I'll let you know when I have results!

Rhythm

I tend to get a little off my rhythm after chemo. It is nearing 1a.m. and I cannot even fathom the idea of sleep. I look forward to the days I am motivated throughout the day, and ready to go to bed at a decent hour. Today I went to the grocery store, and you would have thought I was on a 10-mile hike. I had to convince myself I could leave the house and survive the "trek." I did, but it was the longest hour of my life. I did go to Debby's this afternoon, but didn't even manage to do anything useful while I was there. I think it was another accomplishment just to leave the house. Here's praying I get back into my normal rhythm soon.

Round Six is over!

Yahoo! My last round of chemo is over!!! After talking to my doctor yesterday, she agreed that though the issues I am having are related to cancer they are more likely side effects rather than signs of new badness going on. I had heard that side effects are typically cumulative, I have just been feeling so good that I had forgotten that. Dr. Wolf also said something that I was neglecting to take into account. She said that even though I mentally felt strong (can you imagine me ever saying that about myself??) that my body is still fighting a disease. So, I should keep working out, keep eating healthy, but not to expect the results I was getting before until this is all over. That made me feel much better.

In a few weeks, I come back to Houston for more imaging. Basically, any tools they can use to look at my body to determine that the cancer is gone, they'll use. After that, I come back every 3 months for a couple of years, then it goes to every six months after that. I am feeling hopeful that the new I will hear is good. I guess I can continue saying, "Look out world, I am feeling good!"

Update

It has been quite some time since I've had anything of note to write here. My days have been pretty much the same....some exercise, some housework, then off to Debby's in the evenings. It has been great to feel useful for at least part of the day.

Tonight Debby and I are off to Houston for what I hope is my final round of chemo. I have two issues I need to let my doctor know about, and one or both could affect my treatment plan, but I am optimistic that this is my last round. If you would pray with me that my two issues are minor and unrelated to the cancer, I would really appreciate it.

I lost a friend to cancer today. Jason, who had been battling liver cancer for over a year, died today. He was about my age, was married to Sarah, and they have a 10 year old son, Max. Words are hard here. Yes, I know he is in a better place, but the days ahead will be hard on Sarah & Max. Then, there is the reality for me...people die from cancer every day. Reality is hard, and it's real.

I hope your week is full of blessings, and that you love on your family & friends a little extra this week!

This & That

Mental note for future reference...do not, I repeat, DO NOT, attempt multiple workouts per day in the days just after chemo. If you could help me remember that, that would be great.

Over the weekend we had perfect weather for just lying around & being lazy. The days were gray and rainy, and the nights were cool. I think our warmest temperature was less than 85 degrees, so we even turned off the a/c...a real feat in September here in Texas!

Although the weather was inviting me to be lazy, I tried to fight it. After Curves and ballroom dancing on Friday, I attempted Curves and walking on Saturday. Boy, did I pay for it. My body hurt...not just in the joints or muscles where I'd expect it, but it hurt all over. You know it's bad when you lay down and your skin hurts from just touching the couch or the pillow--it makes sleeping pretty tough. I know it's not from the exercise that I hurt, but from the chemo. One of the meds I get is made from platinum, and its primary side effect is muscle and joint stiffness. I guess I thought if I ignored it or battled it, it wouldn't affect me. Ha. Ha.

Sunday, I gave in a little bit. I made it to church, had lunch with some sweet friends, then maxed myself out by watching some NFL and napping. In case you didn't know, NFL games are the perfect background noise for a nap, especially if one of 'your' teams isn't playing :) Later in the evening I walked the dogs...not a workout type walk, but a leisurely, 'let's go appreciate the neighborhood park' type walk. A good sabbath day, for sure!

So far this week has been fairly routine. Home & workouts during the mornings/early afternoons, to Debby's in the evenings. Last night I spent the later part of the evening at my friends' house, working on a book we started months ago. I won't tell you all about it here, but I should note that you will LOVE this book. We've been working on outline & plot for a while, but last night we actually started writing the pages of the book, and it is lovely. The book is designed for kids, but I think adults will enjoy it, too. I know I do!

All right, I'm off to do something productive. I hope your day goes well!

Round 5-Check

Round 5 of chemo is now over! I think I took two photos to commemorate the event, I will try to post them soon. I am thankful for Debby taking the time to come with me to Houston & sitting with me through the hours of chemo. We did a few other fun things to pass the time. Between appointments on Thursday, we walked back & forth from the clinic to the hospital a few times. Rumor has it that it's about a quarter of a mile each way (on their fancy, air-conditioned catwalk) so I think we got a least a mile of walking in. The trips back & forth were to get a wig (dark brown, longer hair than I have had in quite a few years, but the most "normal" looking I tried on) and to go to a scarf-tying seminar I had wanted to visit on each trip, but had somehow missed until this week. It was worth going to, I learned the primary reason I couldn't get scarves to stay on my head was because I was folding them wrong...who knew?

We got back home Friday around 3. Since being home, I have worked out twice, had dinner with friends, and gone ballroom dancing. I am attempting to not take any of my post-chemo meds to see how I do without them, and so far so good. I am thinking about taking a nap now, but that may be because we have a beautiful gray day outside that I want to take advantage of. Ahhh, how I love the rain! Have a great weekend!