My Black & White Life

I recognized just this weekend that I am living my life in black & white instead of in color. I work, I come home, I cook, I eat, I sprinkle in a few activites, and sometimes I work some more. It's a sad, defeating, lonely life. I have no idea how to get out of this lonely, black & white life. I have gotten so complacent being THIS person that I don't even know what to do next.

There are things I know I want. I want great love...tears and laughter, joy and pain. I think I'd like to be a mom. I want to FEEL things instead of continuing to live this average, risk-free life. I'd like to end my days knowing I'd lived a life, not just survived an existence.

Staying the same depresses me. Changing terrifies me. Being alone is not my worst fear-or fate. Knowing that my life isn't everything it could be makes me want to be different. I'm just not sure where to start.

Funny

I work with people who are younger and more gullible than me. I convinced them that I have a gift of matching personality types with beverages. Every time one of these young whippersnappers walked by me, they'd say, "Okay, Amy, what about a ...." and fill in one of their friends' beverages. It was hilarious. I think I could write a book.

Without voice

Since last Wednesday morning, I have been suffering through a fairly common ailment--laryngitis. It has been frustrating, because even though my voice has stopped working, I did not. I still had meetings--both to attend and to host--and guests, and a life to live. I was able to survive until Friday night, when I gave in to my slump. Since then, I haven't talked on the phone, I haven't visited friends, I haven't gone out shopping. Instead, I've stayed home, resting my vocal cords and my body after a few grueling weeks of non-stop going.

In some ways, it has been a relief. I feel really rested. I think my voice may return eventually. I paid bills, straightened the house, fed the dogs--all the mundane things that happen when I am at home. At other times it was frustrating. I wanted to call my mom & other mothers I know to tell them I love them for loving their kids. I wanted to vent frustration at people who kept calling me because they couldn't make a decision. It's been an odd place for me.

I wonder, though, about those people who have no voice, no hope. Who breaks their silences? Who comes to their aid? At which point do they feel like they've lost their voice because no one hears them? It's deadening and deafening--the silence that answers them. I do hope for my future, but only because being without voice is a temporary situation for me, and a strictly physical ailment. I wonder if others without voice lose their hope...if they do, how do we help them find it again?

Weather mood

Ever wonder if God makes the weather just the way it is to suit a mood? I've been in a funk for a while now, and the weather keeps staying just gray enough for me not to get over myself. I keep thinking if I'm prayerful enough, calm enough, clear-headed enough, I'll get "over" whatever I'm under. I wonder, though, if God had other ideas.

Today, driving to my sister's church, there was one 3-second spray of sunshine right onto my face that made me think...

Oprah

So, this is record-breaking, 4 posts in only a few days. Don't get used to it.

I thought my sister was going to be on Oprah last week, but she wasn't, and I was disappointed that I gave up an hour of my day to watch Oprah. I know it's silly, but I almost don't trust Oprah anymore. I used to think Oprah stood for something; perhaps she was someone to believe in.

I don't think so anymore. I now think Oprah is only out for Oprah. That translates into putting people on her show who are so tabloid-friendly that folks all over middle america will flock to her show in order to hear the voice of the person whose picture they've seen thousands of times before. I also think Oprah wouldn't say no to anything that gets her ratings. Did you see her "show" on where to meet single guys over 35? Apparently, the only places they are, according to Oprah's 'best friend,' Gayle, is in Chicago, New York, LA, or Dallas. Sucks to be me, huh?

So I guess I'm Oprah-bashing. I've heard several folks say they think she should run for president. She'd probably come close to being elected, until someone pointed out that she doesn't stand for anything. (For the record, I'm going to say something positive about our current president, you should write this down, for I will try to deny it later.) Our current president may be an arrogant, stubborn man, but most of the time you know what he stands for. "You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything," in the words of a famous country song...sorry, Oprah, I think you're falling.

PS-I'll definitely still watch the show my sister's on, but after that, I think I'm out. And the bold print was just to point out how easy it is to over-use someone's name, even if it's unintended.

A work post

I promised Tracey I would post on this, so here it goes.

I have been working for the same company full time for 8 (but a total of 10-crazy) years, and 6 of those years have been right here in TX. About 4 years ago, at a big conference in Seattle, I watched a lot of my friends and coworkers get recognition for their accomplishments. In many ways, it bummed me out, because I always had worked really hard and I was under the misguided impression that working hard should get noticed. Also, it was somewhat a blow to my pride that my friends, who were newer to the job, were already considered better at it than I was. At one point during the presentation, I leaned over to a friend and told him that "next year I'd be walking across that stage."

Well, the next year came & went, and little changed about how I did my job, so no recognition. Again, disappointment. I asked for a change in assignment from my boss and was devastated when he told me that he couldn't support a move because I wasn't performing my job. I was confounded...how had I been able to keep this job for so long if I wasn't doing it well? Those of you who read this who know my work may realize now that I was good at the people part of my job, but not so much else. I didn't know what to do.

In one of the unexplainable miracles of life, I ended up getting the change I had asked for. I took that as a sign that I was not to go forward unchanged, so I looked at my job with fresh eyes. I changed a lot of what I did, and the job felt different--good, promising, rewarding--just for doing it the right way. I have now been in that "new" city for 3 years.

On Monday of this week, in a group of my supervisors and peers, I finally won the award I had sought after for 4 long years. I was named Manager of the Quarter out of over 60 managers in our region. It seems silly, that sentence, but it isn't to me. I can't explain why, but I feel validated about the changes I've made, not just to my work life, but my friendships, my faith, and my family life as well. I thank God for His provision over the last four years, to sustain me even when I felt like uprooting everything and starting over. I guess in some ways I have, but in the best way ever.

Stranger than...

I am having an internal conflict about the movie, Stranger than Fiction. On one hand I loved the story line, the character development, the chance for one person to change what could be viewed as the inevitability of death.

On the other hand, I am terrified that my life looks so similar to the early part of the movie. I count when brushing my teeth, taking stairs, etc. I have a job that brings me into contact with a lot of people, but only at the surface. I long for more, but I don't know how to get it.

I pray often that I want to trust the Lord's plan for my life, but sometimes I wish the narration were a bit more like that of Harold Crick...clear, certain, and easily accessible.

For Diane

7 things you don't know about me (maybe)

1-I got straight A's in school until my 8th grade year, when I got an F in art class.
2-I once told my dad his most distinctive feature was his laugh (and now I think others say the same of me).
3-My childhood dream is to play the drums.
4-I am a natural introvert--extroversion takes effort.
5-I wrote a book as a gift for my mom's 60th birthday.
6-My two favorite teachers ever were a nun & a priest (the nun in 2nd grade, the priest in college).
7-I took a college course called "Fable Literature" and loved it.