2 Months

I was thinking this week it has been about 2 months since I was diagnosed with cancer.  How can time seem to move so fast and stand still at the same time?  It's weird.

Since my diagnosis, I have learned a couple of helpful things about myself.  I do not do well with lots of time on my hands.  So, when my treatment is done, I either need to get back to work in a serious way, or adopt several children and pray the Lord provides for all of them (since I'll be too busy raising kids to work outside the home).  Really, since I'm not married, I'm thinking the "get back to work" scenario works for me.  I have also learned that I am a sucker for anything that doesn't require a lot of brain power.  When I was a kid, I really thought I was pretty smart, but now I see myself for what I really am--given to what rewards me the most.  As a kid, that was getting good grades in school.  Today, that motivation is gone, so now I spend my time with the Food Network, easy fiction, and puzzles...not the stuff great minds are made of, I'm sure.  The last thing I've realized in the past week is that I really need to get over myself.  I'm not all that special, not all that unusual, not that extraordinary--people are not required to sit up and take notice just because I walk into a room.  I love that you, the people who love me, have made me feel that way, but it's not actually true.  

I would like to spend the next couple of months seeing past myself.  I know there will be times of feeling really yucky, where all I can do is sleep and recover.  Beyond those times, I want to be able to reach beyond myself, stretch my natural inclinations, become more of who the Lord is planning for me (and frankly, expecting me) to be.  It seems like a lot to ask that of myself now.  But if I'm not going to do it now, when will I?  

I told Janice last week that I really think my cancer is gone.  Every time I get blood drawn before chemo, the numbers are all moving in the right direction.  I haven't struggled with infection, or with inordinate side effects.  All of you who have prayed for God's healing for me, let me tell you, I think He has heard you.  I think I am going to finish the next 4 rounds of chemo and after that I expect to be cancer free for the rest of my life.  Period.  God can do that.  I want to be the person who trusts that and celebrates that every. single. day.  

Oh, yes, the two month perspective.  I'd say it's long enough to know what to expect, but too long to sit around and keep waiting for something different to happen.  I don't want to be reckless or foolish.  I still want someone here to make sure I'm okay after chemo, but I don't want to be helpless, either.  If this is what 2 months feels like, what will 6 months feel like?  I guess we will all just have to wait and see.  

PS-Hi!  I'm glad you're reading!  You know who you are :)